First part of a short story.

“So Mr Holby I see by your C.V that you have a had a significant amount of experience within the telesales executive field. What do you think are you strong points realating to that?”

Instead of immediately answering the question, Leo Holby thinks to himself ‘Why is it everywhere I go for an interveiw, someone always asks me that question? It wont take me by surprise. What a nob’. then, as if he’s been thinking about it for a while, reponds with “Blimey, I wasnt ready for that one, eeerr I suppose my strong points would have to be 1) Im an honest person, 2) I pride myself on punctuality, and 3) I’m a hard worker.” He considered adding being a good liar, but then reconsidered, reasoning that, that might not be veiwed as intended. He looked back across at the man across the desk who was making a pathetic attempt to look like this was all crucial information, by writing it down. Leo looked around the room while his interrogator wrote down his oh, so important observations down in a notebook. Leo noticed that before the guy opened this notebook he could see ‘Skate dude’ printed on one of those black name tapes you print out with those gadgets that has a dial with letters and numbers, stuck onto the front cover. The room was quite large and it was obvious that it was used by the company for various meetings and so forth. Behind the guy was one of those white boards you write things on with markers. He could make out some of the things written on it previousley.One thing he could make out was the name Barry Longthorne which he knew was the name of the guy interveiwing him. He wondered if Barry Longthorne had written it himself or whether it was modified from say, ‘Barry Longthorne is a twat’, there was a oblong drawn around the name. Why do people draw oblongs around things sometimes, like when theyre on the phone?

Leo’s attention was drawn by the sound of Barry Longethorne’s stomach making a gurgling sound. He immediately started shifting awkwardly around in his chair like most people do when that happens as if its somehow going to re-arrange their internal organs and stop the noise. Longthorne looked up to see if Leo noticed, then nervousley cleared his throat “Ahem... Mr Holby, I’d like to give you a training day which is unpaid. Its an opportunity for both parties to see if you are a suitable candidate for this postion”

“Yeah that sounds fine to me” says Leo. Then theres a kind of standoff with Longthorne. Who is staring motionless across the desk without saying anything. Leo employs the ‘eyes around the room’ move to try to break this weird situation. Longthorne is somewhere in the region of 5 foot nothing with an oversized suit. There are stains on the suit, and Leo notices the Longthornes hair has too much hair wax (if it is wax) in his prematurely thinning hair. He is also sporting an earing with what appears to have a brass rendering of a naked reclining woman dangling from it. He suspects it to be brass because it seems to be metallic, but turning Green, or maybe it was Copper.

Longthorne exhales sharply through his nose like when someone sniggers, then says “Have you got a girlfriend Leo?” Now its Leo’s turn to stare motionless. ‘Oh my God, is he coming on to me?’ is the only thing he can think now. Then “Er not at the moment”

“Well you came to the right place, theres a lot of nice young ladies working here let me tell you” Longthornes adds a wink, and for the first time Leo notices that Longthorne has had an arm on the desk which has remained completely motionless for the whole interview. He cant be sure but he thinks that its a false arm, because the hand looks really pale, and the fingers arent resting on the desk, but slightly off it, as if rigid. Without thinking he tries putting his own hand on the desk to see if his own fingers will lie flat on the desk. They do. Then it must be a false arm! Or at least a false...’, “I tell you, I’ve had about 12 or 13 of them” Longthorne says “they see a guy like me, free and single, stylish, and with power, not to mention good-looking” He finishes there and snaps his fingers before slumping back in his chair. Obviousley an indication that there is no need to continue. He also makes that clicking noise with his cheek, and winks, but for some reason both eyes shut, so he tries the whole move again. From sitting forward, and clicking his fingers, to the winking, clicking thing. And supremely satisfied sitting back move into the revolving reclining chair. The chair is upholstered in black leather.

Leo cant quite make his mind up where this is going, so he ventures with “Actually I just came out of a.....” Longthorne cuts him short with “How old do you think I am?” Leo has a dilemma here. The guy looks about 35, but he feels certain he’s going to be about 27. All he can do now is take a deep breath through his nose and purse his lips, as if in deep concentration. “31?” Theres a 50% chance he’s right.

“Correct” he emphasizes the syllables like corr-ect. But theres a hint of dissapointment in his voice. Now theres another period of silence, and Longthorne is doodling in his notebook. Leo can make out a really bad Swastika being drawn. He can also see a list of names: Sharon Taylor, Kim Robinson, Amy Hunter and more. Some of the names have question marks next to them, some have crosses, and others have ticks. After finishing the Swastika he picks up the phone on the desk top and dials 0, then pushes the monitor button and replaces the handset. The ring tone sounds and Longthorne looks at Leo as if proving a point. ‘What point?’ Leo thinks ‘What is wrong with this guy?’. A crackly womans voice comes over the monitor “Reception”. Longthorn sits forward again, this time with one eyebrow raised. “Yeah hi Clare, its Baz here. How are you babes?”

“Oh hi Baz, what can I do for you?” comes the reply. Leo can hear some music in the background. It sounds like Michael Bolton.

“Oh you could do lots of things for me you could” Says Longthorne, with one corner of his mouth curled up to reveal yellowing teeth. He winks at Leo, and gives him the nudge nudge gesture into thin air on the monitor Leo can hear the receptionist tittering. “ I have a Mr Leo Holby here to do a training day. Can you come down and take him up to the first floor? I’ll be up later with the induction pack”.

“Of course I can Mr Longthorne. I’ll be straight up”.And the monitor clicks off just as the door opens. In through the door comes a woman of about 21, with peroxide Blonde hair, bright Red lips, and a bright Orange fake tan face. Longthorne immediately stands up, and half jogs over to the woman as if he’s missing his bus. Leo can see that Longthorne has a pony tail, and is just getting out of his seat to leave, when Longthorne and the woman begin to kiss. Leo slowly sits back down, his brows knitting in confusion, and litterally scratches his head ‘what the fu.....’ flashes through his mind. To make matters worse, out of the corner of his eye, he can see Longthorne lift up one leg, and let out a rather wet sounding fart. The woman starts shreiking with laughter, and as is customary with appalled women, hits Longthorne on the chest with an open palmed slap. She turns to Leo and says “He’s filthy isnt he?” Leo just looks at the two without saying anything. “He’s a proper lad this one is” Says Longthorne pointing at Leo. “He’s not bothered about that, we just had a good chat” Then goes to sit back down, still laughing. He stops, and lets out a satisfied sigh. Then nods towards Clare whilst looking at Leo as if he is wasting his time “Right well if you’d like to go with Clare” he says holding up his suspect hand which was a gesture intended to request Leo to go, but mistaken for a handshake by Leo who grabs hold of the weird hand, and shakes it firmly. Leo is alarmed to find that he was right, and the hand cames away, and falls on the desk. Leo can see that there are phone numbers written on the hand, and he also sees a few cigarette ash marks. “ Oh my god Im sorry!” Leo blurts out.

“If you’d like to come with me” says the woman, forcing out a smile. She must be ‘Clare’ Leo thinks.
.

“I had no idea” Leo says with genuine feeling. Longthorne is stationary, his eyes fixed on his hand on the desk.

“Mr Holby?” Clare is sounding quite insistant now. Leo looks at her and walks towards the door. As he looks back he sees Longthorne trying to re-attach his hand using a screwing motion.



Leo, shaken up by what just happened is dutifully following Clare the receptionist, quite pre occupied. They go into a lift, and Clare pushes the button with 1 on it. The lift doors shut and it slowly moves upwards. There is a ping sounds and the doors open. They walk out of the lift, and turn right. Leo notices that the building is quite a well presented one. The floors are carpeted, and not with the cheap kind manufactured out of acryllic. There is wood panelling and lots of plants around the corridors. It smells of Mr Sheen. Clare stops at a door which says Rm 17. and opens it. Inside it is dark. Strip lights flicker to life making a pinging sound Clare asks Leo to take a seat. She asks him if he would like a drink of Coffee or Tea. Leo asks for Tea, and is left alone in the room.

He is just turning over the weird events in his head when the door opens, and he hears a voice outside the door say “if you’d like to take a seat Mr Sherridan” Then adding “Would you like a drink of Tea or Coffee?” He hears a man say no, then in walks a very confused looking man in his late 20’s who looks straight at Leo then away. He goes and sits two seats away from Leo and looks ahead. After about a minute of listening to each other breathe, the man turns to Leo and says “have you just had an interview?” Leo looks at the man and says “Well Ive just had a... kind of interview”.

“Yeah me too” says the man and looks forward again with a baffled look about him. Then “Youre here for one of the sales department positions?”

“Yeah, although I dont know exactly what were supposed to be selling”.

“Me neither. Im Duncan by the way”

“Leo. Pleased to meet you”. Another pause and then “You wont believe this but when I shook the interviewers hand it fell off. Seriousley it fell off!”

“Youre kidding? The guy who interviewed me had a glass eye. I didnt know which one to look at”. Duncan leans over and is just about to say something in confidence when the door opens and in walks Clare carrying a tray with two cups of Tea. There is a small brushed metal jug of milk, and a white dish with mis-shapen lumps of sugar in it. There is a small set of tongues in the dish. She puts down the tray and says to the men “Heres your Tea. Mr Longthorne was due to take your induction session, but he had another appointment to take. Miss Thornton will stand in for him. She should be along soon”. With that she turned round and mis-judging her step walks into the corner of a table next to the door, making a very loud metal like clanging noise. The two men look at each other then back at Clare who is walking out of the door. “Shes got a false leg” Duncan says nodding in her direction, “thats what I was going to tell you when she came in”. Leo looks at Duncan, who continues “I saw it when She came down in the lift, I was waiting for her at the bottom, and I saw her doing something to it with a screwdriver, like tightening it or something”.


“Its a bit weird they all have something wrong wiith them” Leo says.

“Yeah, they dont seem bothered by it. The weird thing is, this guy who interviewed me, seemed to think he was Gods greatest gift to women. I thought he was Gay at first”.

This was becoming more and more bizarre by the minute, and Leo was becoming more and more intrigued by what was going on, when the door flew open and in crashed a fat woman in a wheelchair with extremely thin legs which dangled and flopped about. Seemingly having over estimating the force with which needed to open the door, she crashed straight into a projector near the centre at the front of the room. One of her legs was viciousley twisted back around the side of the wheelchair, and then stuck behind one of the large wheels. The woman seemed not to notice, and looked confusedly at the men. They noticed that she also had a wig on, which was slightly askew. “Hi boys!” Bellowed the woman. Leo looked at Duncan, who simaltaneously look at him. Then back at the woman. “I SAID HELLO” the woman shouted over to them. They both managed a meek “Hi” and then the woman opened up again “Im Miss Thornton, I’ll be standing in for Mr Longthorne, for your induction session. “You!” She accusingly pointed at Leo.

“Yes” answered, his voice shaking.

“Am I to believe that you (she directed her board pointer at him) were the gentleman who assaulted Mr Longthorne?”

“Well... I didnt... assault him. It was an accident. I didnt know..” He managed before she cut in again “Its of little concern to me, well leave it for now” leaving Leo utterly speechless, with him mouth open.

“I assume that you are Mr Holby?”

“Yes Leo” The womans eyes looked up in the ‘God give me strength’ move. Then her attention turned to Duncan. “Well, at least we have some talent here today” Her eyes moving appreciatevly over Duncan, who Leo could see had tensed up, as the woman began to advance towards Duncan, her trapped leg making a clicking noise in the spokes of the large wheel.

“Eeerr, Miss Thornton, I was, er, wondering if you could tell me what the product is....” He desparately trying to diffuse what he knew was coming, but to no avail.

“Ssshhh sshh, dont say a thing” she whispered to him licking her lips, and breathing heavily. “You wont be selling anything love. I need a personal assistant, to help to reach those... hard to reach files, folders, and... other important things”. Leo was looking on with a feeling of utter astonishment, and genuine fear. He looked at Duncan who was granite faced, and saw him swallow hard.

There seemed to be a hell of a lot of pregnant pauses, and Leo who was always one to look ahead of the moment realised that if he was going to work here, he would need an ally. He would have to come to the aid of the now trembling Duncan. This in mind, he cleared his throat and said “Miss Thornton, I understand that we were to begin an induction session?” Miss Thornton, who was engrossed in the squirming figure cowering in the chair in front of her, dropped her leering expression, and substituted it for a more overly disgruntled dimeanour. She then reversed her chair, and wheeled over to the front of the room and using a sort of stick with a thumb and two fingers gadget on the end, picked up the plug of the projector, and quite skilfully plugged it in. Then she noticed her leg was turning blue in the spokes of the wheel. Leo heard her mutter “Not again!” and she began to yank her withered limb from its trap. He winced at the grisly spectacle, and looked at a very dour faced Duncan, who he imagined had all sorts of weird and not so wonderful scenarios running through his mind.

The whirring projectors image on the pull down screen showed nothing more than a hair which periodically fluttered back and forth, probably caused by the effects of static or heat. The stomach gremlin raised its battle cry again, and this time Leo was at a loss as to whom the beast was trapped in. It could quite easily be him. It had happened before when he was aone in a room. He hadnt felt anything, yet the only culprit could have been him. ‘Best remain stoic’ he thought. No-one likes it when it happens to them. Just pretend he didnt hear it. The reflective silence was shattered by the sound of a mobile phone ring tone, coming from the direction of Miss Thornton, who smiled and reached into her purse, then held up the phone in a sort of triumphant ‘First prize’ move. “Hi” Thornton smiled into the phone. It had a case which had a picture of Peter Andre on the back. It said Peter under the Cameo of the Australian prick. There was no doubt that this was Peter Andre. “Im just starting the presentation now” coninued Miss Thornton, and then “yes I’ll bring them in to meet the team after”. She then very slowly and purposefully pushed the end call button and slowly put the phone back in her bag, like it was a fragile egg. Then lovingly put the bag down by the side of the desk at the front of the room. Looking at it for a little longer than most would consider necessary. Then looked up at the two puzzled men, still smiling.

Finally, at long last, she started routing around in a portfolio and produced a folder with slides in it.. Placed the first one on the projector. Leo looked at his watch. It was 10:30. He wondered how long this was going to take. He was at least happy there was only Duncan and himself there. People he found have an annoying tendency to start asking questions at these kind of meetings, thereby only making it last longer. They probably dont care about the job as much as he doesnt, but people always tell you to ask questions at interviews and meetings. ‘That it shows a willingness to learn’, seems to be the logic behind that one. Anyway, on the first slide, there was the usual ‘what do you want to acheive in life?’ crap. “What do you want to acheive in life?” mimicked Miss Thornton who was sat staring at the projection. It seemed a bit aimless what she just did, because she wasnt asking either Duncan or himself. Just repeating it back. Then she turned around slowly and theatrically, casting a cold glance at the two. ‘Is this a rhetorical question?’ Leo wondered looking back at Miss Thornton. She held firm and returned the look. Duncan hadnt said anything for a long time. Leo could feel his misery. “If” launched Miss Thornton “you wish to become a success in life”, at this point she for some reason substituted the question slide for a picture of a man, which seemed to have come from the 70’s period sat in an office chair, clutching a glass of whiskey, and a cigar, gazing out of his window, “then you came to the right place”. A pause. Leo could hear the sound of someone on the toilet. There was the arrivals announcement in the sound of a fart, then the tell tale plopping sound, followed by the sound of a man coughing, and then a flushing noise. The theatrical timing of Miss Thorntons speech was ruined.

She tried to ignore it, but both Duncan and Leo knew that Miss Thornton’s whole routine had now taken a broadside from the anonymous toilet goer. Leo suddenly and quite unexpectantly started sniggering. He found that he was terrified by the fact that he couldnt make himself think about anything else other than the noise he just heard. He was very good however at keeping a straight face. And the only way one might be able to tell he was laughing is because his shoulders were shaking. He was so relieved when he saw out of the corner of his eye Duncan deliberately knock his pen of his desk, then take a lengthy amount of time to retrieve it. Stopping off under cover of his desk to try to stop laughing and compose himself.